What God Thinks About Me
We think a lot of things about ourselves. We think things about ourselves that no one in the world would ever think about us. Negative things. Hateful things. Seriously awful things. I've gotten better at silencing the mean voice inside my head that seems to have some sort of vendetta against my happiness but I didn't always have the ability to shut it up. It took time and it took prayer.
As I've said before, I used to have extremely bad acne....it was the kind of acne that debilitated me (because I let it). My perceived ugliness crept into my every thought. I thought it was the only thing that people saw when they talked to me. No one could have said anything half as mean as the things I said to myself as I looked in the mirror. Mason was understanding and patient but I wondered why he wanted to marry me. The deepest depression hit the winter that we were engaged.
I spent months calling myself ugly, disgusting, unworthy, weak, and worthless. Every time I looked in the mirror at my mottled, distressed skin, I hated myself more. I legitimately thought that the rest of my life would be like this.
The one time I truly felt God speaking to me was on a spring day about a month after I got married. I still lived in Manhattan, KS where I was going to school at Kansas State University. I took a walk to one of my favorite places in Manhattan: Sunset Cemetery. It sounds kind of creepy but this isn't your run-of-the-mill cemetery. There was always something peaceful about the winding paths and tall trees. This day I brought my prayer journal and a pen. I went to sit down on a stone wall where I began to pray and write in my journal.
Instead of constantly jabbering at God, I decided to ask him a question. I asked him, "God, what do you think of me?" And his answer was...surprising.
At first he told me that I am a flower. Then he started throwing names of flowers at me: daffodil, rose, lily, violet, buttercup, dandelion, lavender, etc. At this point I was like, "Hmm...okaaaay. Uh, thanks?"
Then I started to delve into scripture. I even checked out a book from the library on Biblical flowers, because I'm a complete nerd. This is what I found out about flowers and the bible:
1. Flowers are beautiful. Just think for a moment about the intricacy of a flower and then think about how many types of flowers exist and even then, within each type of flower, there are countless individual species (please excuse my lack of scientific terminology). The shapes, the colors, the textures, they're all so different. God literally took the time to design and create each one of them. To me, this is a reflection of how he feels about us.
2. Flowers praise God without worry. What's a flower got to worry about? Not a thing.
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
Matthew 6:25-34 NKJV
"Kayla, you have so little faith," God tells me. "I will take care of you."
3. Flowers are temporary. They eventually wither and fall away and the wind blows them over. This is a reminder of not only my own mortality, but also of the temporary nature of life in this world. This is a promise that everything in this life will pass and all of the pain will end. My body is temporary like a flower but my soul is eternal.
As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.
Psalm 103:15-16 (NKJV).
4. Flowers are bearers of fruit. Oh, jeez. What does that mean? I see this one in two different ways:
a) I'm literally meant to be a bearer of fruit. As in, I'm supposed to have children. Like a need a reminder from God. Like a lot of married women my age, I have a burning desire to have children, so much that I even ask God to help me tone it down a bit. I know that I will be a mom some day, though not right now.
b) The other way I see this is that I'm meant to bear spiritual fruit. God made me so that I could spread his glory and provide something to the world...though I'm still not sure what that something is. I know it has to do with Isaiah 61:
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
I am called to bring joy to people, to help them know that God thinks they are beautiful. God has been challenging me. The other day at church, someone prophesied over me and I recorded it on my phone. This is kind of long, so thanks in advance if you decide to read through it all. I hope it brings some peace to you because I guarantee Jesus feels the same about you as he does me.
He said to me, "Kayla your heart is precious to me. You care deeply, you care so much for others around you. I love that about you. You have a passion and a zeal to call out the best in everyone around you and you do so very well. Sometimes it fees like why, why am I doing this? But guess what, I'm about to give you the answers. You're going to start to see the fruits of your prayer. You're going to see these people turn around. You're going to see new miracles happen. This is going to be a season of miracles. You've cried out and said 'God, when? when?' and I'm here to tell you now. I come to tell you now, Kayla. I'm restoring new relationships, I'm restoring hope, I'm restoring friendship and love where there hasn't been love before. Every wound that's been inflicted, I'm going to close those up and I'm going to give you a new heart to love deeply again and to love in a new way. Everything that has caused hurt before will cause you no hurt. I've heard you, Kayla. Every word. I'm listening to you. I love it when you come to me with all of these things, big or small, they're all important to me, Kayla. You prayers change the atmosphere. Your smile attracts my goodness and my joy and my peace. Continue to cry out to me. Continue to speak because I love to hear your voice. I love to change the world just for you. These relationships have now found me so they're going to be able to come back to you. There's so much more that I am pouring down on you. In the night season, you'll get the dreams and the visions of who and what and where and when. Write them down, my love, because there's so much more that I want to decode for you. And this is the season where you receive all those answers. You are bold, you are mighty, you are strong and you are beautiful. And I love you.
He added, "You are a warrior. You never give up. And I'm proud of you for never giving up. When it gets hard, you get stronger. When it gets tough, you get stronger and I love that about you."
I felt pretty today so I took some self portraits :)