Insecurities | Amarillo TX Photographer
This is going to be a difficult post for me to write but it's one that I feel is necessary. I'm basically going to make myself vulnerable and put it all on display for you all. This is a post about insecurities, my insecurities in particular. I hope through writing this my future and current photography clients can get to know me a little better because like I always say, I want relationships, not business transactions.
I also hope that with this post, I can reach someone and let them know that everyone has things they don't like about themselves. Everyone is insecure about something. Everyone. It's too easy to look at some Photoshopped image in a magazine and compare yourself to that. Or even to be jealous of someone you think is soooo successful. I find myself scrolling through Instagram and being jealous of people I don't know because their life looks awesome and carefree. They spend their days camping in the mountains, drinking coffee, laying on the beach, redecorating their home, adding cute clothes to their wardrobe. I'm like, "Don't these people have jobs??"
Anyway, back to photography. I'm trying to say that everyone has something they're struggling with and being in front of a camera is hard for most people. It's okay to be nervous. I hope by putting my insecurities up on a pedestal, I can put you a little more at ease.
I used to struggle with what I thought was pretty severe acne. I never had acne in high school but when I got to college, slowly but surely pimples started to appear on my face. I managed to keep it under control for a couple of years. When I got engaged during my third year of college, my face exploded. Not even kidding. The five months that I was engaged was one of the hardest times of my life...because of acne. It sounds so silly. But it's not. Every time I looked in a mirror I risked breaking down in tears. I tried everything - topical creams, exercise, obsessive diets. It didn't work. I dreaded my wedding day when I would walk down the aisle with a face full of acne. All I wanted was to feel beautiful. I spent that winter in my dark cave of a bedroom, hiding from the world. Going out in the bright winter sunlight meant exposing myself to the judgement of everyone. My fiance and now husband, Mason, was incredibly patient during that time. He told me that God told him that I would feel beautiful one day.
God was right (obviously) and I do feel beautiful now. Not every moment of every day but most of the time. I still struggle with certain insecurities. For example, I feel like I have a chubby chin (haha, weird, I know). I also hate it when people tell me I look like a teenager. I'm 23! I don't want to look like I just stepped on the scene in high school. I feel like people don't take me seriously because I look so young. Most people are shocked to find out that I'm married.
What else am I insecure about? Let's see...my awkwardness, my tendency to say the wrong thing at the exact wrong time, and my introverted personality. Most of the time I would rather stay at home and read a book rather than go out and be with the world. I feel guilty about that.
But I shouldn't feel guilty because that's the way God made me. I'm good at being around a couple of people at a time. I have close relationships, not a lot of superficial ones. And God also made me with kind of a chubby chin.
I am the way I am for a reason and you are the way you are for a reason. So while it's okay to have insecurities, it's not okay to let that rule your life because if you do, take it from me, you'll be miserable. It's all about changing your patterns of thinking...a process that can take a lifetime. Literally rewiring your brain is hard thing to do. But just try it. When you start to get down on yourself, change the words in your head. Instead of saying "I feel so ugly" when you look in the mirror say "I am beautiful because God thinks I'm beautiful." Say it out loud if you have to. Instead of saying, "I am unsuccessful and won't amount to anything," picture yourself where you want to be and soon enough, you'll find yourself there.